Sometimes we wonder why we actually need comedy, well the fact remains that comedy and stand-up comedians funny sayings are among the things that help us cope with the difficulties of living. Of course, what is a comedy without a talented comedian? Modern Stand-up Comedy has been wedging itself into popular culture in several centuries and to this day, it has become an integral part of our modern society.
Successful stand-up comedians do more than plain slapstick humour, they open up minds, bring about social awareness inspire and change the perspectives of their audience. When these qualities come together, the outcome is exceptionally meaningful and stirring. Hence, when you come across great standup comedians like Ali Wong, Luis C.K, Kevin Hart, Chris Rock and Robin Williams, you celebrate them for they play a great role in lightning up our world through humour. To further enjoy some of these hilarious sayings, here is a list of the top stand-up comedians funny sayings and quotes to lighten your mood.
Famous Stand-up comedians funny sayings and Quotes
1. “Whenever you leave behind failure, you’re doing good. If you think everything you’ve done is great, you’re probably dumb.” ~ Louis C.K.
2. Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.” ~ Mindy Kaling
3. You know, a lot of people think that just ’cause you work out, lift weights, eat right, and do what people tell you to do that you’ll live a long live, maybe you will. But, why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were. ~ Gabriel Iglesias
4. “As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.” ~ Mel Brooks
5. Stand-up comedy is a sickness. Who wouldn’t want a room full of people laughing and screaming at you just because of who you are? Nothing is as good, except maybe
having a baby ~ Howie Mandel
6. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. ~ Chris Rock
7. I was married by a judge, I should have asked for a Jury ~ Groucho Marx
8. “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” ~ Lily Tomlin
9. The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bull shit.” ~
10. “Take your risks now, as you grow older you become more fearful and less flexible. And I mean that literally. I hurt my knee this week on the treadmill, and it wasn’t even on.” ~ Amy Poehler
11. “I found a gray hair one of my testicles today. No, it wasn’t mine, but it’s frightening.”
~
12. Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most importantly, laugh at yourself.” ~ Chelsea Handler
13. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.” ~
14. “Man can not live by bread alone … he must have peanut butter.” ~ Bill Cosby
15. There are 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There’s big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn ~ Gabriel Iglesias
16. You’re a kid, your whole life is awesome. It’s awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren’t scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards – just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can’t see your house, and not have a full-on panic attack ~ Bill Burr
17. “‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none per cent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’” ~ Louis C. K.
18. “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” ~ Robin Williams
19. “Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.” ~ Robin Williams
20. “I don’t think you get successful to brag and throw what you have in the world’s face. That’s all private.” ~ Kevin Hart
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21. “I’m not funny. What I am is brave.” ~ Lucille Ball
22. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
23. “Accept who you are. Unless you are a serial killer.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
24. Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet~ Robin Williams
25. “Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can.”~ Danny Kaye
26. “Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.” ~ King Jerry Seinfeld
27. Morgan Freeman is so class. He’s so cool. He’s so scary. ~ Jim Carrey
28. That’s the secret to life… replace one worry with another… ~ Charles M. Schulz
29. “The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
30. I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be ~ Robin Williams
31. It is better to risk starving to death than surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left? ~ Jim Carrey
32. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” ~ Zach Galifianakis
33. “I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.” ~ Bob Hope
34. If Heaven exists, to know that there’s laughter, that would be a great thing.” ~ Robin Williams
35. “Everyone who wears a loincloth is not Gandhi.” ~ Johnny Lever
36. “Make your life spectacular. I know I did.” ~ Robin Williams
37. “If you put your personal stories out there people always connect” ~ Gabriel Iglesias
38. “You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.” ~ Anthony Jeselnik
39. “I’m a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go dancing clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.” ~ Robin Williams
40. “When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments – except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I’ll let you know right now, there’s only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster – whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.” ~ Gabriel Iglesias
41. “Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
42. “Relationships nowadays = First week: I love you baby.. Second week: Together forever. Third week: Single” ~ Kevin Hart
43. “Life is an ordeal, albeit an exciting one, but I wouldn’t trade it for the good old days of poverty and obscurity.” ~ Jim Carrey
44. “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.” ~ King Jerry Seinfeld
45. “I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in” ~ Bill Burr
46. “Be so good they can’t ignore you.” ~ Steve Martin
48. “Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine.” ~ Whoopi Goldberg
49. “The only time you should look back in life, is to see how far you have come” ~ Kevin Hart
50. “I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.” ~ Steve Martin
51. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” ~ Charles Schulz
52.“My dream, my goal for the longest time was to be a trophy wife, but then I found out that in order to be a trophy wife, you have to be a trophy. I am more of a commemorative plaque.” ~ Ali Wong
53. “If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty” ~ Chris Rock
54. “I do believe in love; it’s wonderful – especially love third time around, it’s even more precious; it’s kind of amazing.”~ Robin Williams
55. “We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.” ~ Bill Hicks
56. “The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty fucking cruel, isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?”~ Bill Hicks
57. “Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” ~ Bill Cosby
58. “I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul ~ Bill Hicks” ~ Bill Hicks
59. “Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.” ~ Bill Hicks
60. “Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.” ~ Ali Wong
61. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
62. The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s, infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options ~ Bill Hicks
63. All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul.~Robin Williams
64. “I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.” ~ Bill Hicks
65. “If a man has a Pinterest page, he’s probably Pinterested in men.” ~ Ali Wong
66. “There’s a song out now called “Ain’t Nothing Going On But The Rent.” So when a man asks a woman “Hey, baby! What’s going on?” The woman will say, “The rent, motherf***er!” ~ Eddie Murphy
67. “In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.~ Bill Cosby
68. “There’s something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can
hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don’t hear their mothers calling but they
hear that motherfucking ice cream truck.” ~ Eddie Murphy
69. “The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.” ~ Bill Cosby
70. “Yoga is Simon Says for adults who have lots a free time.” ~ Ali Wong
71. “I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.” ~ Eddie Murphy
72. “Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody.” ~ Robin Williams
73. “Talking about music is like dancing about architecture”~ Steve Martin
74. “Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres,
75. “Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.” ~ Bill Cosby
76. “Alright, remember, alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you.” ~ Adam Sandler
77. “Flowers are the fastest way to a woman’s heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but owers are a lot less messy.” ~ Eddie Murphy
78. “You gotta make this dude believe that your body is a secret garden when really it’s a public park.”~ Ali Wong
79. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” ~ George Carlin
80. “Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.” ~ Bill Cosby
81. “Just go up to somebody on the street and say “You’re it!” and just run away.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
82. “You ain’t cool, unless you pee your pants.” ~ Adam Sandler
83. “In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
84. “I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I’ve ever dated.” ~ Mike Birbiglia
85. “Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework.” ~ Bill Cosby
86. “The thing about crazy people; they don’t know they are crazy, that’s what make them crazy.” ~ Jim Jefferies
87. “I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing ‘Maria’ from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.” ~ Adam Sandler
88. “Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.” ~ Mike Birbiglia
89. “Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously” ~ Jim Jefferies
90. “I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
91. “Confidence is 10 per cent hard work and 90 per cent delusion, just thinking foolishly that you will be able to do what you want to do.” ~ Tina Fey
92. “I’m an idiot, basically. I don’t think that I’m a dumb guy, but I also realise that I have access to about 0.1 per cent of the information that I need to have a truly informed opinion about half the stuff I talk about. I’m like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realise he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him ~ Bill Burr
93. “No matter how successful I got, my mother still thinks I’m a bad person, basically.” ~ Jim Jefferies
94. “I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.” ~ Steve Martin
95. “For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.” ~ Lily Tomlin
97. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” ~ George Carlin
78. “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate neck” ~ Steve Martin
99. “Instead of saving for someone else’s college education, I’m currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.” ~ Jane Kirkman
100. “Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.” ~ Bill Cosby